**Disclaimer: While this is incredibly uncomfortable for me, I believe I need to post an honest blog about where I've been, some of my recent struggles, and how God is shaping me through it all. I pray my journey will inspire others to find their source of strength and empowerment through God, and together we can find freedom, confidence, and joy in His mighty name.
I have disease called hypothyroidism. Many people suffer from it and while it’s one
of the most manageable diseases one could have (really, if you have to choose
something to ail your body, this is the one to choose), it also causes your
entire body to work against you. I am
constantly fighting to maintain control of my metabolism, splintering through
constant fatigue, and always watching for symptoms in case my body decides to
reject medication (which happens often).
It is beyond frustrating.
When I started my new job in September, I was equally
excited and terrified. I didn’t fear
normal things, such as whether or not I would fit in, be good at the job, like
the work, etc. No, I feared how my body
would react to my new life sitting at a desk.
All. Day. Long.
The last desk job I had found me 30 pounds heavier in a matter of 3
months. Granted, I didn’t fight back,
but I hadn’t changed any of my prior-desk-job habits, either. My metabolism is just that poor. This time around, though, I would also be a
full-time college student, literally putting me at a desk all day. I would go to work at 7:30 in the morning,
get off at 4:00 in the afternoon, and sit in class from 5:30 to 9:30 (sometimes
longer) in the evening. I knew I would
never move.
It took me years to regain my health last time, and I never did lose all the weight I had gained. I knew I would have to make a special effort to keep this from happening again. I made promises to myself.
I promised I would get up at the butt crack of dawn to work out every
day and follow the Ketogenic diet like it was some sort of cultish
religion. I would avoid sugar like the
devil it is, and I would make a point to fight the fatigue of the day when I
got home, no matter how rough the day was, and I would force myself to be
active. Of course, this only lasted
about a month. If that, even. You see I have this thing where I sabotage
myself when I make a teensy little mistake.
If I fell victim to one of my ravenous chocolate cravings, I would
punish myself by eating an entire pizza or a bag of candy, because I was a
worthless failure who deserved to feel sick.
Of course, I don’t actually want to believe that, but during some of my
prayers and reflections recently, I found this to be very, very true of myself.
In a matter of 4 months, I gained almost 30 pounds, putting
me at a weight I have never seen in my life.
I hate myself for it. I jumped
from a size 9/10 pants being too big to a size 16 being too tight. I have never seen a size 16 until now. It’s sickening, really, how something like
this can control so much of myself. It
takes my joy, my confidence, and my ability to see myself as anything
worthy. My mind is consumed with food –
trying to make healthy choices and getting discouraged (and then gorging
myself) when those choices don’t work for me.
The breaking point for me was about a week ago when I made
the decision to be consistent with my journey back to health. I worked out every day and was incredibly
strict with my diet. At the end of the
week I stepped on the scale and found I had gained 7 pounds. That sucks.
So I responded by sending pathetic, pity-me texts to my mom and best
friend, and then stuffed my face full of chocolate and donuts.
My friend didn’t respond with pity, though. She responded with encouragement,
empowerment, and wisdom. She told me she
had been praying for me – praying for my freedom from things holding me
back. She told me to claim it and fight
back. She promised to continue praying
for me, and she truly believes I will overcome.
That’s where it hit.
God is far bigger and far more merciful than my
illnesses. He created my body and
despite my hypothyroidism making things difficult and my emotional eating
disorder ruling my life, He equipped me to be far greater. GOD equipped ME to be greater. The scriptures are full of examples of how
God provides for his people. He gives
strength to those who are weak, and empowers His beloved to succeed. He doesn’t want me to struggle through
this! I am worthy in His eyes to be
something more, to have joy and confidence, and to bring glory to His name.
In my God-time this morning, I realized I have been like
those pesky teens that always drove me crazy when I was younger. They always wanted to pour out their
problems, but they never really wanted help.
They just wanted a pity party – one I refused to give. I would cry out to God in my despair, tell
Him all my feels, and then refuse the resources He provided to get me through
it. Deep down, I’m not sure I really
wanted His provisions. I think I just
wanted Him to wave a hand over me and make me better with little effort of my
own. I wanted the pity party, but I
didn’t actually want to work for change.
I literally laughed out loud at myself this morning.
God has provided me with so much – access to good, healthy,
life-giving food, knowledge, and the ability to get moving and have fun while
exercising. But most of all, He is the
source of my strength and confidence. I
can lean on Him during my rough patches, and avoid sabotaging myself by being
filled with His presence instead. I just
haven’t claimed this yet. He will get me
through this; but I have to do my part as well.
God is good, all the time.
Always faithful. Always
there.
