God Provides

**Disclaimer:  While this is incredibly uncomfortable for me, I believe I need to post an honest blog about where I've been, some of my recent struggles, and how God is shaping me through it all.  I pray my journey will inspire others to find their source of strength and empowerment through God, and together we can find freedom, confidence, and joy in His mighty name.

I have disease called hypothyroidism.  Many people suffer from it and while it’s one of the most manageable diseases one could have (really, if you have to choose something to ail your body, this is the one to choose), it also causes your entire body to work against you.  I am constantly fighting to maintain control of my metabolism, splintering through constant fatigue, and always watching for symptoms in case my body decides to reject medication (which happens often).  It is beyond frustrating.

When I started my new job in September, I was equally excited and terrified.  I didn’t fear normal things, such as whether or not I would fit in, be good at the job, like the work, etc.  No, I feared how my body would react to my new life sitting at a desk.  All.  Day.  Long.  The last desk job I had found me 30 pounds heavier in a matter of 3 months.  Granted, I didn’t fight back, but I hadn’t changed any of my prior-desk-job habits, either.  My metabolism is just that poor.  This time around, though, I would also be a full-time college student, literally putting me at a desk all day.  I would go to work at 7:30 in the morning, get off at 4:00 in the afternoon, and sit in class from 5:30 to 9:30 (sometimes longer) in the evening.  I knew I would never move.

It took me years to regain my health last time, and I never did lose all the weight I had gained.  I knew I would have to make a special effort to keep this from happening again.  I made promises to myself.  I promised I would get up at the butt crack of dawn to work out every day and follow the Ketogenic diet like it was some sort of cultish religion.  I would avoid sugar like the devil it is, and I would make a point to fight the fatigue of the day when I got home, no matter how rough the day was, and I would force myself to be active.  Of course, this only lasted about a month.  If that, even.  You see I have this thing where I sabotage myself when I make a teensy little mistake.  If I fell victim to one of my ravenous chocolate cravings, I would punish myself by eating an entire pizza or a bag of candy, because I was a worthless failure who deserved to feel sick.  Of course, I don’t actually want to believe that, but during some of my prayers and reflections recently, I found this to be very, very true of myself.

In a matter of 4 months, I gained almost 30 pounds, putting me at a weight I have never seen in my life.  I hate myself for it.  I jumped from a size 9/10 pants being too big to a size 16 being too tight.  I have never seen a size 16 until now.  It’s sickening, really, how something like this can control so much of myself.  It takes my joy, my confidence, and my ability to see myself as anything worthy.  My mind is consumed with food – trying to make healthy choices and getting discouraged (and then gorging myself) when those choices don’t work for me. 

The breaking point for me was about a week ago when I made the decision to be consistent with my journey back to health.  I worked out every day and was incredibly strict with my diet.  At the end of the week I stepped on the scale and found I had gained 7 pounds.  That sucks.  So I responded by sending pathetic, pity-me texts to my mom and best friend, and then stuffed my face full of chocolate and donuts.

My friend didn’t respond with pity, though.  She responded with encouragement, empowerment, and wisdom.  She told me she had been praying for me – praying for my freedom from things holding me back.  She told me to claim it and fight back.  She promised to continue praying for me, and she truly believes I will overcome. 

That’s where it hit. 

God is far bigger and far more merciful than my illnesses.  He created my body and despite my hypothyroidism making things difficult and my emotional eating disorder ruling my life, He equipped me to be far greater.  GOD equipped ME to be greater.  The scriptures are full of examples of how God provides for his people.  He gives strength to those who are weak, and empowers His beloved to succeed.  He doesn’t want me to struggle through this!  I am worthy in His eyes to be something more, to have joy and confidence, and to bring glory to His name. 

In my God-time this morning, I realized I have been like those pesky teens that always drove me crazy when I was younger.  They always wanted to pour out their problems, but they never really wanted help.  They just wanted a pity party – one I refused to give.  I would cry out to God in my despair, tell Him all my feels, and then refuse the resources He provided to get me through it.  Deep down, I’m not sure I really wanted His provisions.  I think I just wanted Him to wave a hand over me and make me better with little effort of my own.  I wanted the pity party, but I didn’t actually want to work for change.

I literally laughed out loud at myself this morning. 

God has provided me with so much – access to good, healthy, life-giving food, knowledge, and the ability to get moving and have fun while exercising.  But most of all, He is the source of my strength and confidence.  I can lean on Him during my rough patches, and avoid sabotaging myself by being filled with His presence instead.  I just haven’t claimed this yet.  He will get me through this; but I have to do my part as well.

God is good, all the time.  Always faithful.  Always there.