Updates!

Because I am currently without online access at home, I haven’t been able to post updates on how I’m doing nearly as frequently as I would like. I feel like there’s a lot I could write; but for my readers’ sanity, I’ll keep this short and sweet.

Diet:

Since receiving my Girl Scout cookies about a week ago, I haven’t done well with my goal to eat healthy. What’s funny about that, though, is that I’ve hardly eaten any of the Girl Scout cookies! My rule is that the cookies can’t come home with me… so if I want a cookie, the box gets passed around the office. This has worked wonders for my “diet” as I am a really, really selfish person and have never been good at sharing ;)

However, even though I haven’t gorged myself on cookies, eating one has introduced sugar back into my daily life and suddenly I find it much more difficult to say “no” to treats. Sadly, it’s not just sugary treats… I ate McDonald’s today. I hate McDonald’s. This isn’t good.

With that said, I feel it’s necessary to remove sugar from my diet again. When I’m not eating sugar, I don’t crave things like fried, processed foods, chips, starches, etc. So here we go for round two!

Exercise:

Diet isn’t the only thing I’ve struggled with. Classes started up again last week, which means that my weekly schedule is a little off the rocker. Originally I planned to exercise with a couple of my coworkers early in the morning, but after a several failed attempts to still sleeping body at 5:00 in the morning to run a few laps around the gym, I decided that I would just have to make my afternoon workouts work. I want them to matter, which means that I need to be able to push myself.

Unfortunately this means I need to figure out how to balance everything out in the evenings, which has been difficult. But I’m determined to make it work! Tomorrow starts round two for exercise as well as a healthy diet J

Spiritual Life:

So far I am a regular attendee at Lutheran Church of Hope for three weeks running! Church this morning was amazing, and horribly convicting. One quote that stuck with me today is this, “God will never allow you to be spiritually satisfied until you realize that spirit is about serving, not consuming.” I was reminded today of my laziness as a Christian. We have been called to make disciples – to serve others in every way we can – not feed ourselves in order to feel good. A new goal of mine is to find a way every day to serve someone else. I have yet to figure out how that’s going to work, but I’m pretty sure God will provide clarity for me in that arena ;)

I attended the church’s young adult discussion group for the first time Thursday night. There was no doubt in my mind that I was supposed to be there. In fact, I may or may not have tried to create excuses to keep me from going. One in particular, I needed to get my oil changed in my car. Now, Thursday was my comp day, so I had plenty of time to have this done pretty early in the day. Instead I dropped my car off at 2:00, was told it would be 4:00-4:30 before it could be looked at and it would probably take them about an hour to an hour and a half to do the work. The class starts at 5:30, so I made up my mind that I would just go home after my car was done. It was totally intentional! To be honest, I was terrified to go. Silly, right?

God had a different plan. I got a phone call at 4:00 saying that my car was done and ready to be picked up. This meant that I had an hour and a half to kill until class started. Despite my intentions to remain anti-social, I walked into the classroom, was introduced to someone right off the bat, we hit it off, exchanged phone numbers and are now friends.

What’s more? I met about half a dozen other awesome people who have come out of similar spiritual droughts as mine. We were all looking for the same thing – deeper, more meaningful relationships with God and fellow Christians. This is exactly what I need. Exactly. Though I had intended to bypass the young adult service that followed the discussion group, I couldn’t. I needed more, and boy was I glad I stayed. The worship service was amazing, and I can’t wait until next time.

Funny how God works, right?

That pretty much wraps it up for me! Here’s to a better week physically and academically, and my cup is raised for an even better God-experience this week.

I am blessed.

Teach me to love...

Last night I opened my Bible for the first time in what felt like years. I've been under such a dark cloud spiritually for so long that I felt like it was my first time reading the text. I wasn't sure where to begin. In fact, I was incredibly nervous to even get started. I had to laugh at myself a little... it was almost as though I thought I was going to be struck by lightening if I accidentally creased a page or misread a verse.

Silly Aly. That's not how God works.

I had decided to stick with my church's daily reading schedule to get myself going. However, instead of the limiting myself to the first chapter in Exodus as the schedule instructed, I got lost in the story of Moses and God's call on his life. I really don't know how much I read, I just know that when I was done, I couldn't believe the overwhelming hunger I felt for the Word. In fact, I felt like I was starving.

You know that feeling you get when you've been working hard at the gym and you just can't seem to eat enough? Yeah. That's how I felt. Physically and spiritually. My mind and body where not going to be content until I was full. So I started flipping through, looking for another passage of scripture in which to lose myself (I decided that I should save the rest of Exodus for next week in order to be in sync with the rest of the church body). This is when I came across a sticky note I had left for myself months ago (actually, to be honest, it was probably over a year ago). It read, "Memorize 1 Corinthians 13." So, I read 1 Corinthians 13.

Actually, I only read the first couple verses.

Instead of being struck by lightening, I was stabbed through the heart with a rusty, jagged blade.

"If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging symbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing." - 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

Yyyouch. I read these three verses over and over again, particularly verse three. How could I have missed this the millions of times I've read through this passage before? What hurt so bad? I am a hateful, selfish person. How often do I do things merely out of love, not expecting something in return? Never. Simple. I never do anything without first thinking how it's going to profit me... whether materialistic or spiritual, I always seek a gain.

Once I managed to read past those three verses, my heart broke at the rest of the chapter. "Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant..." I had but one thing racing through my mind as I read those words and it crushed me. I have forgotten how to love. How could I have allowed myself to fall so far from Christ that I forgot how to love? Worse, how can I be sure that I ever really knew how to love? I simply do not know.

The pain of a broken pride is relentless. To be honest, I think I would rather have been struck by lightening.

A Place Called Hope

Today I stumbled upon an article about the church that I have officially decided to call home. I would have to say that I agree with the author word for word! Lutheran Church of Hope is definitely the largest church I have ever attended, which tends to prick my comfort a little bit (not always a bad thing). My first reaction was to immediately judge the coffee bar, bookstore/gift shop, and grandeur of the building itself without first understanding what the church is about. To say the least, I was pleased (and a little embarrassed) to find that many of my judgments were for naught. Funny how God likes to keep you humble :)

This article says it all.....

Just a little Clarification...

So, I realize that I'm not exactly 100% clear on what my intentions are for this blog. I wrote a blog entry in October for a different website (which will soon be deleted due to my new found love with Blogger) that goes into a bit more detail regarding my journey. In case anyone is interested, it goes something like this.....

Okay. So my previous blog post may have been a tad melodramatic. After posting that, I scrolled down to read a post that I had written several months ago. It reads: “Realization: If I continue to compare my success with the success of others, I will always be disappointed.” It was then that I realized that I’m not really sure I even understand what I’m trying to succeed in. Yes, life does seem to bite me in the ass from time to time, but I also forget to do something about it.

Life is an accomplishment. I don’t mean this in the literal sense of life and death. I’m talking about our personal experiences in life. After a rather dramatic status post on Facebook (are we noticing a theme yet?) , I was reminded by my wonderful uncle D, that I need to focus more on learning from the methods of achievements of others rather than comparing their success to my own. I’m not going to get anywhere by being a Sisyphus (the king who was punished by the gods by being compelled to roll an immense boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll back down, and to repeat this throughout eternity).

A pastor once told me that if I want change, I’m not going to accomplish it by continuing to do the same thing over and over again. I need to change in order to change.

So what is it that I want to change? Why am I unhappy?

1. I don’t have a relationship with God. I believe that this is first and foremost the reason for my constant discontent. I am going through life believing (?) in a god that I don’t even know.

2. I am 24 and I haven’t even completed my Associates degree that I’ve been working on since I graduated high school. Most of my friends have either moved on in life or are working on even further education than their Bachelors. I feel left behind, even though it’s my fault. Also, I’m a horrible student. I have 3 f’s on my GPA from Kirkwood, and I don’t even want to think about my transcripts from SWCC.

3. I am fat. I am 100% disappointed in my reflection in the mirror. I hate having pictures taken of me, and I have a difficult time even wanting to go do anything because I’m embarrassed by myself.

4. I am in debt for stupid reasons. I have no savings account – nothing to fall back on. I am irresponsible with my money and it’s silly.

5. I’m not sure what will be said at my funeral. In fact, I feel as though people will scoff at my eulogy. I haven’t truly lived life to its fullest, and I’ve used people more than I’ve helped them! I have run away from God many, many times. I have never been constant. I have very few friends, and the ones I have I take for granted.

Again, the image of Sisyphus continues to pop into my head as the words of my pastor sweep across my mind. In order to change, I need to make the change. I can’t just wait for change to happen – that method only ends negatively. That’s how I gained weight...

So what now? I make goals for myself. Five goals aren’t too many to work on at once, right?

1. Get right with God.

2. Finish school with a GPA worth being proud of.

3. Live a healthy lifestyle in order to lose weight.

4. Live frugally in order to get out of debt.

5. Be conscientious of how my life is affecting others. Work to be a light in the lives of others, not a shadow.

There are other things that play into my current unhappiness; however I realize that I need to be happy with who I am before I can allow these “other things” into my life.

One thing that I realized tonight is my lack of recognition of what I have accomplished in life. Looking back on the last 6 years, I can’t honestly say that I am disappointed in my experiences. Sure, I am behind in my school and relationship status, but I learned so much about life. I have 8 years of banking and financial experience behind me. Not many college graduates can pursue their fields of work with much more than a year or two of experience behind them. Aside from the experiences, I am on good terms with all of my past employers and have been promised high recommendations. I accomplished an impressive resume for an uneducated 24 year old, as well as a good working reputation.

I have learned how to live with people, how to understand their differences and how to make things work. I have learned that I am entitled to a good man and that I don’t have to settle for those that just want to use me. I have learned that people really, truly know how to love and take care of each other. I have learned that religion hurts people. I have learned how to make lemonade out of life’s sour lemons. I have learned how to live on my own, take care of myself, and step out of my comfortable box. I have learned that friendships sometimes only last a short time, and as sad as it is to say goodbye, it’s important to hold on to the good that came from it.

So how have I already accomplished some of my goals?

1. I’ve stepped out of the church long enough to understand that God is not in a building full of fake, surface-perfect people, he is taking care of those outside of it and he expects me to do the same.

2. I have worked hard the last couple of semesters to finish my degree. Though my GPA isn’t perfect, it’s much better than it has been in the past. I feel a drive and an endurance that I have never felt before. If I stick with it, I should graduate Kirkwood with a GPA of 3.4.

3. I have made some major changes in my lifestyle such as cutting my sugar/junk food intake in half and making exercise a priority in my life. As a result, I have lost 25 pounds in the last few months! This is halfway to my goal of 50 pounds!

4. I am working hard to meet my goal to be completely out of debt by August 2012. It’s going to happen.

5. I have realized that, if I die tonight, I do not like the legacy I would leave behind. By realizing this, I can pinpoint things that I need to work on such as relationships with people, work ethic, and my faith.

By recognizing what I have already accomplished, I feel less overwhelmed by what I still need to work on. Life is always going to be a working progress; I just need to be diligent. Because of this, I feel that I need to take time at least once a month to take note of what I have accomplished in my goals and what I may need to change in order to accomplish more.

So today....

.....was interesting.

I recently decided to switch up my afternoon exercise routine in order to make enough room in the afternoon for my upcoming course load. Basically, in order to fit in the amount of exercise I want to get in a day, I needed to start making myself get up and workout at 4:45 in the morning. Now, I typically like mornings. In fact, compared to some, I'm definitely much more of a morning person than anything; however when it comes to exercising, I have a hard enough time staying motivated in the afternoon when I actually have energy. I knew I wouldn't be able to make myself stick to it, so I talked to some of my coworkers.

I found out that a couple of the ladies at work get together at 5:00 every morning to exercise together. PERFECT! It's still very early, but at least I wouldn't be trying to go at it alone. Accountability is ALWAYS good in my book! So this morning began my early morning routine. To say the least, I think I can handle this :)

I also started my first day back on the 6-meal-a-day plan, which, for the most part, was fine. Though, it never fails. I always forget that I can't make my diet 90% raw vegetables. This is incredibly sad to me as I really love raw veggies......lots. But today unpleasant memories of my previous attempts at this endeavor flooded back ALMOST as quickly as the stomach cramps. Needless to say, I had to make a grocery store run after work and make some changes to my meal plans this week.

Another thing that I want to "rewrite" about myself this year is my lack of interest in politics. It's far too important to know what's going on in our country to simply ignore it. My first step toward this goal was supposed to be attending the caucuses this evening. I was pretty excited. I had read up a little bit on candidates and was ready to learn even more. So we arrive, finally find a place to park, walk in the door, and find out that this year the county had been split according to township. The one my family was supposed to attend was half and hour away! By the time we figured out which building it would be held in, we were already 45 minutes late. Disappointment. But at least I tried!

Here's to another day :)

A Fresh Start

My last three years have been very spiritually dry....and I hate it. I have been angry with the church for reasons that I cannot control, and as a result, I have been boycotting all things Christian. I understand that church is not necessarily where God happens; but it's so easy to correlate hurt and church with God himself.

I'm not going to get into any stories here as they are not mine to share. What happened happened and I can't change it, nor can I justify continuing life in bitterness. It's time to let go. A good friend of mine confronted me recently on my attitude toward God. "Aly," she said, "People hurt people, but you're not serving people. You serve God. Until you figure this out, you will always be discontented." Ouch. I had allowed myself to become angry with God because of the actions of people.

I. Am. Silly.

So here's to a fresh start. After a lot of shopping, prayer and consideration, I have officially decided on a church home. What's more? I'm taking steps to get involved. I just registered for a young adult discussion group where we will meet once a week for open discussions regarding biblical studies, different religions and other relevant topics. This will give me an opportunity to learn through another's perspective, voice my own and develop friendships. I'm excited, nervous and already feeling my defenses going up; but I'm looking forward to seeing what God's going to do.

Have any of you gone through similar situations?