Okay. So my previous blog post may have been a tad melodramatic. After posting that, I scrolled down to read a post that I had written several months ago. It reads: “Realization: If I continue to compare my success with the success of others, I will always be disappointed.” It was then that I realized that I’m not really sure I even understand what I’m trying to succeed in. Yes, life does seem to bite me in the ass from time to time, but I also forget to do something about it.
Life is an accomplishment. I don’t mean this in the literal sense of life and death. I’m talking about our personal experiences in life. After a rather dramatic status post on Facebook (are we noticing a theme yet?) , I was reminded by my wonderful uncle D, that I need to focus more on learning from the methods of achievements of others rather than comparing their success to my own. I’m not going to get anywhere by being a Sisyphus (the king who was punished by the gods by being compelled to roll an immense boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll back down, and to repeat this throughout eternity).
A pastor once told me that if I want change, I’m not going to accomplish it by continuing to do the same thing over and over again. I need to change in order to change.
So what is it that I want to change? Why am I unhappy?
1. I don’t have a relationship with God. I believe that this is first and foremost the reason for my constant discontent. I am going through life believing (?) in a god that I don’t even know.
2. I am 24 and I haven’t even completed my Associates degree that I’ve been working on since I graduated high school. Most of my friends have either moved on in life or are working on even further education than their Bachelors. I feel left behind, even though it’s my fault. Also, I’m a horrible student. I have 3 f’s on my GPA from Kirkwood, and I don’t even want to think about my transcripts from SWCC.
3. I am fat. I am 100% disappointed in my reflection in the mirror. I hate having pictures taken of me, and I have a difficult time even wanting to go do anything because I’m embarrassed by myself.
4. I am in debt for stupid reasons. I have no savings account – nothing to fall back on. I am irresponsible with my money and it’s silly.
5. I’m not sure what will be said at my funeral. In fact, I feel as though people will scoff at my eulogy. I haven’t truly lived life to its fullest, and I’ve used people more than I’ve helped them! I have run away from God many, many times. I have never been constant. I have very few friends, and the ones I have I take for granted.
Again, the image of Sisyphus continues to pop into my head as the words of my pastor sweep across my mind. In order to change, I need to make the change. I can’t just wait for change to happen – that method only ends negatively. That’s how I gained weight...
So what now? I make goals for myself. Five goals aren’t too many to work on at once, right?
1. Get right with God.
2. Finish school with a GPA worth being proud of.
3. Live a healthy lifestyle in order to lose weight.
4. Live frugally in order to get out of debt.
5. Be conscientious of how my life is affecting others. Work to be a light in the lives of others, not a shadow.
There are other things that play into my current unhappiness; however I realize that I need to be happy with who I am before I can allow these “other things” into my life.
One thing that I realized tonight is my lack of recognition of what I have accomplished in life. Looking back on the last 6 years, I can’t honestly say that I am disappointed in my experiences. Sure, I am behind in my school and relationship status, but I learned so much about life. I have 8 years of banking and financial experience behind me. Not many college graduates can pursue their fields of work with much more than a year or two of experience behind them. Aside from the experiences, I am on good terms with all of my past employers and have been promised high recommendations. I accomplished an impressive resume for an uneducated 24 year old, as well as a good working reputation.
I have learned how to live with people, how to understand their differences and how to make things work. I have learned that I am entitled to a good man and that I don’t have to settle for those that just want to use me. I have learned that people really, truly know how to love and take care of each other. I have learned that religion hurts people. I have learned how to make lemonade out of life’s sour lemons. I have learned how to live on my own, take care of myself, and step out of my comfortable box. I have learned that friendships sometimes only last a short time, and as sad as it is to say goodbye, it’s important to hold on to the good that came from it.
So how have I already accomplished some of my goals?
1. I’ve stepped out of the church long enough to understand that God is not in a building full of fake, surface-perfect people, he is taking care of those outside of it and he expects me to do the same.
2. I have worked hard the last couple of semesters to finish my degree. Though my GPA isn’t perfect, it’s much better than it has been in the past. I feel a drive and an endurance that I have never felt before. If I stick with it, I should graduate Kirkwood with a GPA of 3.4.
3. I have made some major changes in my lifestyle such as cutting my sugar/junk food intake in half and making exercise a priority in my life. As a result, I have lost 25 pounds in the last few months! This is halfway to my goal of 50 pounds!
4. I am working hard to meet my goal to be completely out of debt by August 2012. It’s going to happen.
5. I have realized that, if I die tonight, I do not like the legacy I would leave behind. By realizing this, I can pinpoint things that I need to work on such as relationships with people, work ethic, and my faith.
By recognizing what I have already accomplished, I feel less overwhelmed by what I still need to work on. Life is always going to be a working progress; I just need to be diligent. Because of this, I feel that I need to take time at least once a month to take note of what I have accomplished in my goals and what I may need to change in order to accomplish more.
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